Refreshing Friendships

September 2026  Art by Steven Hunnick

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” — Anaïs Nin

The deep satisfaction we derive from a healthy friendship is one of life’s greatest gifts. Friendships offer a kaleidoscope of possibilities—they come in every imaginable color, shape, scent, variety, and cycle in the beautiful garden of life. There are friendships of convenience, friendships of fun, and those that last a lifetime.

September’s wonderful reset energy is the perfect time to take stock of our habits and intentions; our friendship rituals can benefit from a refresh, too. When we tend lovingly to our relationships, they flourish; when we ignore them, they wither. Every relationship has a potential lifecycle, and we do not know what that will be when the first seeds of connection are planted. We are constantly evolving through our relationships during all the seasons of our lives.

In mature, long-term relationships (not parent-child relationships) we can struggle with the idea of reciprocity and question whether a relationship is really meeting our needs. There are many levels of intimacy, from tight to casual, and we generally have an intuitive sense of what each requires for maintenance. Some seasons are higher contact; others are quieter.

I have always relied on a simple litmus test to help me gain perspective:

‘Do I feel more or less energized after spending time with this person?’

Sometimes the rhythm of giving and receiving feels off, and we are unsure how to process it or how to proceed. Reciprocity in adult relationships does not mean keeping score, nor does it mean that our efforts and contributions must be evenly matched. It is more about goodwill and generosity of spirit. It is where we learn something about our capacity for joy.

Reciprocity is attention, reliability, emotional availability, loyalty, hospitality, confidentiality, and respect for one another’s time and boundaries.

Think of it like a friendly tennis rally: you might be an expert, and I might be a novice, but if we both make a genuine effort, we can keep that ball going back and forth over the net with some consistency—and maybe a few laughs. It might take a minute, or it might take a month, but reciprocity in friendship means that care, interest, effort, and respect move in both directions over time.

I don’t want to sound like the relationship police. I can be incredibly sloppy, and there are plenty of skeletons in my own friendship closet, but I do think there is a diminished sense of connection out there, and it is causing a lot of disappointment.

I love a quick, practical text, but I resent the way texting—with emojis!—has become one of our primary ways of conveying gratitude, love, and genuine connection. A handwritten note or thank-you is beloved and rare—I get that—but when did we stop picking up the phone to laugh about last night’s party or simply to say “Hi” and catch up?

This is the good stuff of life. Why are we frittering it away?

Texts are wonderfully convenient, but they are rarely a substitute for the real thing. Personally, I’m tired of texts that merely check the box without initiating any specific action toward connection.

“Let’s go to lunch sometime” may signal good intentions, but it isn’t really hitting the ball back to me. It’s a lazy lob without direction.

One thing I’ve noticed about myself is that I can be a time slotter. I initiate a lot of contact with my pals, but it is often programmed to fit my schedule without making much allowance for theirs.

I’ll send a text along the lines of, “Hey, can you hike Mud Pond on Monday at 8:30?” If they can’t make it, I might not see them for quite a while. That is partly because I live in two locations, but it is also a self-serving habit. I’m getting the ball over the net, but it isn’t always a pure-hearted effort.

As a result, I am hitting my friendship refresh button and trying out more genuine approaches for creating quality time with my friends.

I am trying to ask more open-ended questions: ‘When are you free to get together, and what would work for you?’ And when a friend reaches out to me this way, I try to thoughtfully return the invitation with a specific response rather than a random lob.

I invite them to do something specific and offer possible dates and times. I have fun creating ‘dates’ that delight my pals. A mountain bike ride on a new trail; sledding and then happy hour; yoga, shopping, or coffee someplace different. To keep things fresh and fun, I’m trying to be more creative.

If a friend is super stressed and has zero time, I might drop off a jar of soup, a gift card, or Venmo them some ‘take-out bucks’ to ease their burden and let them know I am thinking about them in a practical way. I ask them ‘What do you need?’

We all have uneven timing, travel, illness, careers, and family commitments to manage, so even the healthiest relationships can sometimes feel off. That is part of what is so beautiful about the breadth and depth of friendship. Some relationships are high-bid, requiring frequent contact; others can go months without a care. Each can be resilient and sustaining when we have chosen it in a spirit of goodwill.

Here are a few ideas I keep in my friendship toolbox:

Hugs. When I actually get to see my friend, and they are a hugger, I give them a real hug. When affection is welcome, I linger for a moment instead of delivering a drive-by version. A 20-second hug releases oxytocin in both of us, it’s the bonding hormone. I know some world-class huggers, and this really does make a difference. A good hug says, ‘I see you. I’m glad you’re here.’

Apologies. If I am even 1% complicit in a problem, I apologize for my part. A sincere apology can keep the channels open and the love flowing.

Here is the world’s best apology, compliments of my sister, Beth:

“Well, I f*%$&* that up, and I’ll probably do it again. I am so sorry that I ________” (let you down, misspoke, made a judgment, whatever…)

I love this so much because it speaks to her humanity and vulnerability. It clears a path for communicating our hurts, fears, and desires. It creates trust, and it makes me laugh. It is the perfect response in a tender situation. Thank you, Sister.

Vibe Checks. Vibe checks allow us to explore the landscape when something feels off so that little issues don’t quietly become big ones. I’ve set this tool up in advance with my friends so that it feels neutral, safe, and useful: ‘Can we have a vibe check? I’m feeling X.’ This simple invitation can make room for honesty before resentment takes root.

“We all suffer, but not all of us grow.” — Mary Pipher

Acknowledgement and acceptance of our friends’ peccadillos is crucial in maintaining friendships—there is always give and take. And we all have former friends who live in our past for good reasons. We disappointed and hurt them; they disappointed and hurt us. Breaking up is hard to do, but careful pruning is a way to spur new growth. A long history does not necessarily equal a quality relationship.

Guilt, kindness, and loyalty can hold us hostage in a relationship that no longer matches our needs. Our ability to give generously should not become the measure of how little we are willing to receive. Sometimes it is worth asking:

‘What might come toward me on its own if I stood down a little?’

When a friendship no longer feels fulfilling, it may be best to hit the refresh button and let it go with grace.

I don’t consider friendships that have withered to be failures. Each one has made a valuable contribution to my emotional, social, and mental development over time. It takes courage to listen to our gut, break an old pattern, and acknowledge that a friendship dynamic is no longer serving us.

Leaving has consequences, and it is important to consider the ripples we make. There comes a time, however, when we do not have a choice. Our spirit is at stake, and we must move on or surrender a piece of our authenticity.

I try not to rehash the past or rehearse the future. I prefer to live in the present with as much grace and kindness as I can muster on a daily basis. I wish everyone well; other people’s actions are their karma, my reaction is my karma.

When some of my plants don’t survive the winter months, I don’t get mad at them. I simply grieve them and seek out new plants with the potential to thrive in my ‘zone’—my energy level, my values, my standards.

Every friendship I have had the privilege of engaging in has given me opportunities to learn about myself and others, and for that I am forever grateful.

“Respect is the soil—the grounding of a relationship. Integrity is the compost that prepares and nourishes the soil. Trust is the seed that holds all its potential, and love is the resulting bloom.” — Kim Dannies

Hallmarks of Healthy Reciprocity

A practical checklist for relationships grounded in mutual care

●       Both friends initiate contact, plans, and repair after disagreements.

●       Confidences and loyalty are sacrosanct.

●       Each shows curiosity about the other’s inner life.

●       Giving and receiving are both comfortable.

●       Vulnerability is treated carefully; ask before giving advice.

●       Promises are generally kept; changes are communicated.

●       Boundaries are expressed without punishment or ridicule.

●       Appreciation is spoken rather than assumed.

●       Emotional labor, practical help, and compromise are shared over time.

●       Success is celebrated without competition.

●       Problems are discussed without one person becoming prosecutor, parent, rescuer, or defendant.

I’d love to hear from you—feel free to send your comments to me. Please share this essay with a friend, and thank you for reading.